Guest Author post

Compliments of my friend Marie...and her culinary adventures.
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OK, so now I know why "The French Don't Get Fat", because the stuff that they cook tastes like crap! Tonight I decided that I was going to be a cooking machine. I found three recipes from the book named above. I picked a soup, an artichoke and a eggplant dish.

The first dish required a lot of chopping and dicing. It involved minced shallots (I didn't even know what a shallot was before this--I know, sad), minced onion, sliced carrots and cubed potatoes. You brown the onions and shallots in olive oil, then you add water, the carrots and cubed potatoes. You simmer it for 20 minutes and then add some lemon juice and top it with shredded feta cheese. Well, it turned out ok, not bad, not good. It kind of reminded me of the 'cabbage soup diet' that Chris and I tried where you can eat as much of the soup as you want (but after a while you really can't even look at the soup without your stomach turning--so that is how you lose weight). Anyway, it wasn't completely horrible. This gave me a little incentive to go on...

The next menu item was the artichoke with melted butter. I bought a special bamboo steamer just for this occasion. So I put 2" of water in the bottom of my wok like it said and a clove of garlic. It called for a bay leaf, but I forgot to get that, so I added some basil, I thought the names sounded close enough.

Well, it said that it should only take 35-40 minutes to steam. I put the steamer in the pan and put the artichoke on the second tier and then went to put the lid on. Crumb! The dang lid didn't fit over the darn artichoke! So I put on something heavy to hold the lid down, but the steam was still escaping. I let it steam for the 40 minutes and it said that at that point the petals should 'just fall off.' That did not happen! Chris came into look at it and said that I needed to cut more of the stem off to get the petals off, which I did. OK, it still was not 'done' so I put another pot over it to steam it some more. EGADS! After about 20 more minutes I took it out again and tried to eat it. There was no artichoke left of it. So I figured that I would try to find the heart of the artichoke, which I remember to be very good (the last time I had an artichoke was when I was 15 years old when I lived with Pat and Dave). I could not find the damn heart to save my friggin' life! My friend said that it was under the 'hair', no such luck, there was nothing there. So I passed it off as saying that I got a bad artichoke at the store. Meanwhile, my husband is laughing his ass off!

Onto the third course, the eggplant dish. It involved browning a red onion and the eggplant in olive oil. Then you take that out and simmer red wine vinegar and chopped tomatoes, green and black olives and capers. Then you toss it all together. OMG, I almost threw up! I made Chris try it. He almost threw up too! I was afraid to have Pooches try it...I love her too much. Of course I love Chris too, but his stomach is pretty rock hard. However, the garbage disposal is quite full. I swear it burped after the last bit of food was shoved down it! Or maybe it was trying to throw it up!

So, now my house smells horrible from all the onions and red wine vinegar. I hope I'm able to sleep with the smell.

From now on I'm only cooking macaroni and cheese from the box!